Love this! Also, one can be celibate and not single (and not alone) in a committed partnership with more than one person, such as a small intentional community.
I've been hesitant to use "celibate" because of that ring of permanence, even though my single-chaste-not-pursuing-marriage lifestyle is very intentional. I've often described myself as "contentedly single" or "purposefully single" to try to signal what I mean, and loop in my life in community. But maybe you are winning me over to recovering the old verbiage even in the situation of not being an avowed celibate.
This is a really good post, v insightful!! I really liked your point about how “singleness” implies singularity (to some extent) in a way that we should avoid. Framing singleness in this way implicitly foregrounds the lack of a marriage as inherent the state of being, by defining it in terms of a lack, you emphasis marriage as being the most significant form of relationship. When in fact our other relationships are key to our lives as well.
The only thing I will say is I think we should avoid making a distinction between “singleness: unintentional and temporary” and “celibacy: intentional and permanent” allow for an implicit denigration of singleness as unchosen and temporary. Our singleness/celibacy isn’t a good gift from God only if we specifically choose it or desire it as a specific intentional vocation, the singleness of someone who might have liked to have gotten married but didn’t for whatever circumstantial reason is still a good gift from God in the place and time in which God has placed, even if they themselves find that difficult!! In a sense there’s a level of choice here anyway even if they didn’t specifically choose singleness/celibacy in it’s own right: by choosing to forego sex outside of marriage, by choosing to not marry someone who isn’t a Christian or who is divorced whilst their ex-partner is still alive etc. one is meaningfully choosing what God wants for us. What’s significant is not that we specifically choose a specific vocation, what’s significant is that we choose to order or sexuality in the ways that God wants us to, whatever specific vocation that may end up meaning for us in the specific circumstances we find ourselves in. Similarly, our singleness/celibacy isn’t only good if it’s permanent. The idolatry of marriage can often make us think that singleness/celibacy is only good as a preparatory phase for marriage, which is not true, and our singleness/celibacy is good even when you don’t get married and when it’s a lifelong thing. But we shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, and suggest that our celibacy/singleness is only good when permanent and lifelong – our singleness/celibacy are good gifts from God in the places and periods of our life in which we find ourselves in it, and if we end up getting married, then the preceding period of singleness isn’t suddenly pointless.
I don’t want to suggest this is what you were arguing, I just think that we need to be careful to avoid, in our reaction to the idolatry of marriage, a valuing of the intentional and permanent forms of vocational celibacy that implicitly denigrates more circumstantial and not specifically intended forms of singleness. The singleness of a person who may have liked to have married but never found someone to marry is still a good gift from God, and I think sometimes we can risk denigrating that in certain ways of talking about vocational celibacy. Dani Treweek has talked about this in various places, most notably I think in chapter 4 of her book “the meaning of singleness” (it’s a really good book – I’d defo recommend if you haven’t read it!!) aswell as this blogpost here (https://writing.danielletreweek.com/p/a-short-break-in-our-regular-programming?r=c5x8g&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web). Similarly, as you noted that celibacy doesn’t necessarily mean not being partnered in some form, I think the term singleness can thus still be useful as a term to describe the specific experiences and dynamics of not being married or partnered in any form, and the way in which that can still be a good gift from God in the specific circumstances you find yourself in.
In any future iterations you write on this topic, it might be good to address 1) is celibacy a “vow” that must be made? (And if so, what process leads one to make it?) and 2) Is celibacy a unique “gift,” as some people posit.
I don't know if I'd be considered Side A, Side B, or some sort of "Side C"--I have very specific limits about what I won't do, based on my faith, but am open to many things some might--or might not--consider "intercourse," which is why I don't know if the word "celibate" might be clear or misleading to a given person. (The basic "vanilla" things that nearly everyone else in the gay community does are the things I won't do.) Regardless, I was with my partner, without having what I consider "sex," for 17 years before he died of Covid. :( He did not personally believe in those rules, and we had an open relationship, so he followed what he was comfortable with, and so did I.
Well done, Grant -- thank you for this! Esp. appreciate you highlighting that celibacy and marriage both point to union with Christ in beautifully similar/different ways.
Love this! Also, one can be celibate and not single (and not alone) in a committed partnership with more than one person, such as a small intentional community.
I've been hesitant to use "celibate" because of that ring of permanence, even though my single-chaste-not-pursuing-marriage lifestyle is very intentional. I've often described myself as "contentedly single" or "purposefully single" to try to signal what I mean, and loop in my life in community. But maybe you are winning me over to recovering the old verbiage even in the situation of not being an avowed celibate.
This is a really good post, v insightful!! I really liked your point about how “singleness” implies singularity (to some extent) in a way that we should avoid. Framing singleness in this way implicitly foregrounds the lack of a marriage as inherent the state of being, by defining it in terms of a lack, you emphasis marriage as being the most significant form of relationship. When in fact our other relationships are key to our lives as well.
The only thing I will say is I think we should avoid making a distinction between “singleness: unintentional and temporary” and “celibacy: intentional and permanent” allow for an implicit denigration of singleness as unchosen and temporary. Our singleness/celibacy isn’t a good gift from God only if we specifically choose it or desire it as a specific intentional vocation, the singleness of someone who might have liked to have gotten married but didn’t for whatever circumstantial reason is still a good gift from God in the place and time in which God has placed, even if they themselves find that difficult!! In a sense there’s a level of choice here anyway even if they didn’t specifically choose singleness/celibacy in it’s own right: by choosing to forego sex outside of marriage, by choosing to not marry someone who isn’t a Christian or who is divorced whilst their ex-partner is still alive etc. one is meaningfully choosing what God wants for us. What’s significant is not that we specifically choose a specific vocation, what’s significant is that we choose to order or sexuality in the ways that God wants us to, whatever specific vocation that may end up meaning for us in the specific circumstances we find ourselves in. Similarly, our singleness/celibacy isn’t only good if it’s permanent. The idolatry of marriage can often make us think that singleness/celibacy is only good as a preparatory phase for marriage, which is not true, and our singleness/celibacy is good even when you don’t get married and when it’s a lifelong thing. But we shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, and suggest that our celibacy/singleness is only good when permanent and lifelong – our singleness/celibacy are good gifts from God in the places and periods of our life in which we find ourselves in it, and if we end up getting married, then the preceding period of singleness isn’t suddenly pointless.
I don’t want to suggest this is what you were arguing, I just think that we need to be careful to avoid, in our reaction to the idolatry of marriage, a valuing of the intentional and permanent forms of vocational celibacy that implicitly denigrates more circumstantial and not specifically intended forms of singleness. The singleness of a person who may have liked to have married but never found someone to marry is still a good gift from God, and I think sometimes we can risk denigrating that in certain ways of talking about vocational celibacy. Dani Treweek has talked about this in various places, most notably I think in chapter 4 of her book “the meaning of singleness” (it’s a really good book – I’d defo recommend if you haven’t read it!!) aswell as this blogpost here (https://writing.danielletreweek.com/p/a-short-break-in-our-regular-programming?r=c5x8g&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web). Similarly, as you noted that celibacy doesn’t necessarily mean not being partnered in some form, I think the term singleness can thus still be useful as a term to describe the specific experiences and dynamics of not being married or partnered in any form, and the way in which that can still be a good gift from God in the specific circumstances you find yourself in.
Well written, once again. Will be sharing this.
In any future iterations you write on this topic, it might be good to address 1) is celibacy a “vow” that must be made? (And if so, what process leads one to make it?) and 2) Is celibacy a unique “gift,” as some people posit.
I don't know if I'd be considered Side A, Side B, or some sort of "Side C"--I have very specific limits about what I won't do, based on my faith, but am open to many things some might--or might not--consider "intercourse," which is why I don't know if the word "celibate" might be clear or misleading to a given person. (The basic "vanilla" things that nearly everyone else in the gay community does are the things I won't do.) Regardless, I was with my partner, without having what I consider "sex," for 17 years before he died of Covid. :( He did not personally believe in those rules, and we had an open relationship, so he followed what he was comfortable with, and so did I.
Well done, Grant -- thank you for this! Esp. appreciate you highlighting that celibacy and marriage both point to union with Christ in beautifully similar/different ways.