Leaping Between Islands of Safety

Navigating the World as a Transgender Person

Hello! I’m Ian, and I am glad to be contributing to the conversation here at A Side B Collective. I’m a transguy who lives in a large US city. I want to share a bit about my experiences navigating the world around me.

Let me begin by saying that my experience is somewhat challenging. Like a lot of transgender people, I get unintentionally misgendered nearly all of the time when I am out in public. I'm left feeling invisible at best, or threatened at worst when people make assumptions about whether I belong. But I have also been blessed by what I call “Islands of Safety” where I am known and can be myself.

To some extent, everyone benefits from Islands of Safety. We build our Islands together as we trust others with the intimate details of our life. We all have needs for intimacy, companionship, and privacy that is shielded from the scrutiny of public life. As a trans person, I feel my need for safety acutely because I’m constantly misgendered where misgendering can quickly escalate into harassment. Frequently, when I go into public restrooms, people will look at me strangely like I’m in the wrong place and I’m afraid that will escalate quickly into a more threatening situation.

In some ways, needing Islands of Safety makes my world feel a little constrained. I don't go anywhere without thinking about my safety, and I make choices to minimize any potential harm that might come my way. At the same time, I am grateful that my Islands include my home, my church, and my workplace because I have enough room to breathe in those spaces.

I first came out as transgender to my partner: the core rock of the Island of Safety I call home. My partner responded well as I took things slowly in stepping out as myself. We had many conversations over several years as I opened up about my experiences. She was there for me even in the times that I struggled to be there for myself. We’ve navigated this journey together, and my partner has been my constant advocate, helping me share my identity more broadly with family and friends. Over the course of many years, my partner’s support enabled me to come out to others and step more confidently into the world around me.

I next branched out to my local church. It helps that the Episcopal Church is well known for welcoming everyone, but I still find myself catching my breath a little when people at church call me Ian. I looked for a church where I felt most at home with the worship style; God seemed to take care of the rest. It was important for me to be known at church. How else can I be fully known by God than to be fully known by His people? At the same time, I grieve knowing that in the vast majority of church communities, people like me are misgendered all of the time and constantly referred to by our birth names instead of our chosen names.

Probably the most difficult Island of Safety to access was a safe workplace. I am so grateful to have worked in not one, not two, but three workplaces who have supported me on my journey. I have both my legal and chosen name on my resume which outs me pretty quickly to any employer. Probably the biggest support I have needed in the workplace is HR policies that resolve the gap between my legal name and my preferred name: my employment file is under my legal name but I go by “Ian” in all of my day-to-day interactions including my email address. It's also been great having coworkers who use my correct pronouns consistently. Too many transgender people endure in hostile work environments, especially when they are consistently misgendered.

Having supportive friends and family is the best thing that has happened to me. It means the world when my friends see me and create space for me to be Ian. Every friend who is willing to hold that space expands my world and makes me feel safer. I’ve been in the process of coming out as a trans person for over ten years now, and I’ve been amazed by how many of my friends have truly stuck by me. They were some of the first people to affirm me as me. They recognized that, in coming out as trans, I was taking steps to being true to myself. Moreover, they empowered me to call the shots about what my transitioning has looked like, stepping up their support in the small daily interactions that make life so meaningful.

There are so many places in this world that will never quite be safe. Any space that is “public” carries with it risks whether it is a public restroom, public transit, a public restaurant, or a public library. It means a lot when friends are willing to hang out with me in public and go with me when I need to use the restroom. In public spaces, I risk being misgendered all of the time, and it’s unreasonable to expect the intimacy associated with safety. Having friends willing to hold space and be with me in these bigger places makes all of the difference.