All My Love
A Letter to Future Me
May 2024 marked 9 years since I first said out loud to another human “I think I may be same-sex attracted.” It has been a rollercoaster of a ride since that moment. From midnight chats with God to “Am I Gay?” quizzes, I discovered who I am and now feel at home with myself. June 2024 marks 11 years since I was baptized and became a follower of Jesus. It has also been a wild ride in that regard as well. I’ve truly come to understand the lyrics sung over me as I came out of the water: “Though none go with me, still I will follow.”
So, in the spirit of a season of anniversaries, I decided to share a letter I wrote to myself 10 years in the future.
Dear Shelby,
It feels weird to start this letter in the way I start all of my work emails. “I hope you are doing well.” But, I truly do hope that. I hope you are well in all the senses of the word. I know that your life is likely not perfect. Our life has never been perfect. But, I hope your life is going well.
How are your relationships? Are you still friends with some of the same people? Have you learned how to hold onto golden friendships and make new ones too? Are the people you call forever friends actually forever friends? Have you found your person? The person that I’ve been praying for. A person who is a partner in life and gospel in all its facets. How is being gay? Still hard but fun? Mostly just fun now? Did you actually learn how to play softball and drink IPAs so you can be more of a lesbian? Do you still need to come out to people or has that stopped being a thing for you?
How is your community? Does it still seem to get harder with age to build connections? I hope you feel held and known by the people you love. I hope you have people to laugh with and cry with. I hope you still have someone to send funny videos to. I hope you still keep seltzer or some other drink for your best friend when they come over.
How is our family? How’s Dad? Is he in remission? Did he get better? Are we still making memories with him? Did Mom and Dad move to the beach like they’ve always wanted? Do I get to laugh with my siblings in person or do they still live far away? Do you still want to be a Mom? Have I become one? I hope that you have people in your life that I don’t yet know about that you call family. I hope that as the time has moved forward you haven’t just lost family but have gained family as well.
How’s our faith? What has time taught us about God? I hope our view of God has kept getting bigger. I hope the Spirit has freed us from things I don’t know I need to be freed of yet. I hope you still tear up when you really think about Jesus’ love for you. Are people still weird about you being gay and a Christian? Or has that stopped being a thing? Is your heart full of scripture? Has my desire to meditate more on scripture been fruitful? I hope you have new spiritual practices that draw you to the heart of God. I hope your belief in the resurrection has grown even more. What miracles have you seen? You know about my prayers at midnight right now. Has God answered them? Did He say yes?
But, overall, I truly hope you are well. I hope you have a good life. I hope you have a life that is full of peace and fun. I hope you still can play sports and love competition. I hope you still love bringing people together. I hope you have a home that you are proud of that is always full of life. I hope the sacrifices I’ve made to grow in my character pay off. I hope you have no regrets but every choice you’ve made has been in the pursuit of Christ. I hope I am a fuller version of myself.
All my love,
Shelby
“What is most personal is most universal.” ― Carl R. Rogers